{change}

I was writing a long post just now, about being lost & scattered. Then I realized that I'm the problem. It's not anything around me, just me. I'm the problem. If I want a change, I have to make a change. I can't just sit here and whine and feel pathetic because I'm a terrible, selfish person. I have to change. My problem was that once I identified my problem, I'd feel a sense of accomplishment that I realized I even had one in the first place. "Step One: Identify. Step Two? Nah, fuck that. Yeah I did Step One!" Really, Sarah? Really.

I've become so shallow and materialistic lately, that when I took a step back to look at myself from the outside, I was honestly disgusted. No, I'm not going to give everything to charity and move to Africa to do wonderful things. Charity starts at home you know, as much as I admire those who spend their whole lives doing great things in the places that need them the most. There's nothing wrong with wanting beautiful things.

But along the way, I've forgotten what's important.

I don't even dare to list all the few flaws I've identified about myself here, it's in my saved private draft copy that will never see the light of day. Or well, I'll see it. Revisit it when I need a reality check. Or when I feel like I've changed a part of myself for the better. It's time to stop being so selfish and give more. All my clothes & accessories & make up will be obsolete one day. I have to think about the important things in life.

It's time to really start working towards my dream. I love words, and I love writing, and I want to be a great songwriter one day, someone who touches hearts with just a bunch of words artfully strung together. I can't do that if I stay at home, writing songs of the same mediocre calibre, never putting them out there. Constructive criticism is crucial. I've been wasting all my resources in DMAT & everywhere else, just wasting away my life.

I have nothing to be ashamed of if my work is bad because it's my work, and I did it. And I will improve it, and I will better myself. Bad is good, because I can learn from bad. I must remember to never ever be embarrassed about something I've created.

I want to be remembered for writing songs that could move (emotional) mountains. Not just for being Tom Felton's future wife, of course.

Happy people are people who have worked their whole lives towards their dreams, yet not forgetting the important things in life. Who do things for themselves and others too. I doubt I could ever be one of those drop-everything-and-move-to-Africa person. Maybe in the very distant future because anything is possible, but I highly highly doubt it. But I could really be a much better person, to my friends & family & boyfriend, without compromising myself. My love for music & fashion & make up. Is this making sense?

There's a place I could be happier. A place I could be whole. Where I can be everything I'm meant to be, want to be. I'm going to get there, even if I have to lay the path down myself.